Sarah’s Story

 The Affairs
Sarah was in a marriage where she was not happy, ended up having multiple affairs, and kept attracting men who were at the same place in life as she was. Although, at the time, she could not understand why she was attracting men who were emotionally unavailable, non-committal, in a poor head space, looking for distraction, looking for outside sources to make them happy, and not doing the deep inner work necessary to heal themselves. Sarah could not attract anything other than that in a man. Why? – because you attract from where you are. She was in a marriage that she wanted to be out of but was unable to take that step to leave. Therefore, she had affairs to try and cause distraction and get what she was not getting from her marriage. Sarah was trying to find happiness through outside sources rather than from within. Therefore, she was attracting men looking for the same.
The Men
The men were all married and having affairs. They were in marriages they did not want to be in and were looking for distraction and connection. They were looking for happiness in all the wrong places. These men were broken and trying to fix themselves by going outside rather than within – this never works. I helped Sarah realize her pattern of attracting men who were on the same frequency she was – the Law of Attraction was working for her, but not in the way she wanted. We had a conversation about one of the men she was having an affair with – also married. He started to become emotionally abusive toward her. He would gaslight Sarah and make her feel bad for things when she did nothing wrong. He would take his frustrations out on her and use her as his punching bag. No matter what she said to him, it was the wrong answer. Sarah called me because she wanted to know what “she was doing wrong” and I told her NOTHING. She was dealing with a man who was not a whole person. He was frustrated with himself and his life and was taking it out on her, which was NOT OKAY.
People Tell You Who They Are…Believe Them
This man told her that women are always trying to “fix” him. In that statement, he was telling her he was broken but she couldn’t hear it at the time. He told her he felt she was going to move on in her career and leave him behind – he was telling her he felt inferior and not good enough. He told her he feels like he sabotages things – he was telling her he was a self-saboteur. He told her he was frustrated, and she was the person he would take it out on because he couldn’t do it to his wife at home – he was telling her he was emotionally abusive. This man told Sarah exactly who he was without blatantly telling her. Through the way he spoke to her, treated her, and how he spoke about himself, he told her who he was. You see, men tell women who they are. When a man says “women are always trying to change me” he is telling you he is broken. When a man deliberately makes you feel bad and makes you feel like it is your fault he is feeling badly about himself or his life, he is telling you he is emotionally abusive. When a man tells you he is a self-saboteur, believe him. See ladies, men tell you and show you who they are. As women, we try and make it more complicated. Our only job is to listen, hear them, and accept what they say because it is not our job to change anyone else. They have to put in the work to change themselves. We cannot take on that burden for other people.
You Attract from Where You Are
Sarah was attracting who she was at the time. Ever hear the saying “become who you want to attract”? Well, that is a saying for a reason. You can’t expect to attract a high-value man, who knows who he is, knows what he wants, and knows where he is going if you are not on that level. If you do attract that type of man, I assure you, he will not be sticking around if you are not on the same level as him. Sarah had to realize if she wanted better, she had to stop messing around outside her marriage with these men who were in the same position she was. She had to start to do the deep, inner work on herself and address the situation in her current marriage before she could even think of having a relationship with anyone else. She could not attract a healthy relationship from the place where she was, and I had to open up her eyes to that in a loving and supportive way.  Sarah was an amazing person with a good soul, but she was devaluing herself through her behavior. Therefore, she was attracting others who were devaluing themselves. In order to have better, Sarah needed to want to be better. She had to be committed to doing the work to get to that better place.
How I Helped Sarah
I gave her tough love. She didn’t need me to be her friend, she needed me to be her coach and give her honest, supportive tough love. It was not always easy for her to hear what I had to say, but it is what she NEEDED to hear. I would not have served her if I had just told her what she wanted to hear.
I gave her exercises to dive deeper into what she wanted for herself and life. I guided her to be able to have a conversation with herself so she could find those answers. Sarah held all the answers to her problems and healing. She just needed to be willing to do the deep emotional work to get there, which is not always easy. But I was right there to support and help her through.
I validated her. As I said, Sarah had all the answers. When we would have a call, she would want to know if she was “crazy” for thinking a certain way or for feeling a certain way. If I felt she did something that was not the best choice, I would be honest with her, but if I felt she was right in her feelings and actions I would also validate those. She needed to know she could trust her intuition. We had to build that muscle back up. When your body is talking to you and you continuously question that natural intuition, that little voice gets softer and softer until you almost can’t hear it. We had to work on making that voice loud and strong again.
I helped her make decisions. Sarah knew the answers to her own questions. She would always say “but what do I know?” and I would always respond with “more than you think”. Or she would say “I don’t know what to do” and I would say “no, you do know what to do, it is just hard to do it because it will be painful, and you don’t want to hurt other people”. Sarah knew the answers to every decision she wanted to make and knew what she wanted. She just needed me to help guide her into her truth, which was there all along. It was just hard and painful to look at.
I helped her recognize patterns. Sarah had prominent patterns when it came to the type of men and relationships she was attracting. It was essential for her to recognize her patterns in order to change those patterns for the future. If she wanted better relationships and better partners, she needed to start changing her patterns.
I encouraged her vulnerability. In order to get to the core of what Sarah was struggling with, she had to be willing to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is where all the freedom and answers lie. This is where Sarah had to be willing to ask herself and others the hard questions. She had to be willing to be vulnerable and let go of the “hard-shell” and let her emotions and true feelings out. This was the biggest step in her being able to start to heal within.